Intentions That are Out Of Your Control

If at the outset of a project whether it be personal or professional you set intentions that are out of your control or over which you have little influence you are likely to be setting yourself up for some unexpected problems;  insecurity and disappointment at the very least,  probably frustration, anger and resentment or worse failure, stress, anxiety and perhaps even depression.

In this blog we’re going to begin to look at some of the more common problematic intentions that frequently circulate around the corporate world.  We will also have a look at the anatomy of problematic intentions and see why they have a tendency to create more problems than they fix.

You’ll see that some intentions can seem very attractive,  but when you dissect them and examine their natural consequences on you and others,  they are something of a poisoned chalice.  Problematic intentions will ultimately limit the success of you and your people not enhance it.

To Win or Control Are They The Best Of Intentions?

Often we set ourselves up for problems when we choose intentions we don’t entirely control or have little influence over.  A couple of common examples of intentions not entirely yours to make happen are the intention to win, or to control.  While these seem quite attractive at first glance they come with jam packed “complications” that may not seem obvious at first but will set you up for limitations at the very least and possibly major conflict.

Problem 1. Other People?

One of the multiple problems both of these intentions have in common is other people. You know the ones who are going to have to lose or be controlled.  By adopting either of these intentions,  you by default make your staff/colleagues or for that matter your friends and family have to be the losers or the controlled.  In a combative or highly competitive situation, these intentions might arguably have some merit.  However in situations that require cooperation they are usually disastrous often in the short term and without question in the long term.

Defense Mechanisms Don’t like to Lose or Be Controlled

You might be wondering why your friends, family, staff or colleagues don’t just sit back and let you win or control.  The answer is simple enough,  human defense mechanisms.   The vast majority of the population of the planet innately, unconsciously and automatically oppose being the loser even once let alone all the time and most certainly hate being controlled.

Yes it is true that some people are less defensive than others and it is also true what triggers opposition in one person may not in others.  It is also true that some of the time people want you to take charge. However as a general rule you would be naive to think that intending to make others lose or be controlled isn’t going to cause some resistance.

Opposition and defiance are a common automatic response to being controlled or being the loser.  Now you can debate who has the problem the controller or the controlled but you would be over simplifying things if you think the intention to win or control won’t trigger opposition and defiance in some of your staff, colleagues, friends or family.

What is crazy however is the fact that there are far better intentions that promote unity, improve performance of the team and will by and large give you a great deal of kudos for being able to get the best out of yourself and others.  We’ll be looking at how to do this in future blogs but for now lets have a look some other likely consequences of the intention to win or control.

Problem 2.

Time Will Make it Worse!

It is likely if you continuously trigger other peoples defense mechanisms by working the “I win” or “I control” angle then over time they will reach a point where they have had enough of being the on the downside of your intentions.  At that point they will become invested in seeing that you don’t win/control.  Or worse they will become invested in bringing you down.  That’s right they will come gunning for you.  Just look at all the dictators you can think of.  Their situation usually ends up less than ideal not for dictator or for the dictated.  For example, Julius Caesar, Hitler,  perhaps one or two or your previous bosses?????

When anger, frustration and resentment exceed the value of staying quiet and putting up with being the loser or the controlled then the game changes and you will be unlikely to stop the pending storm unless you change your ways.

If you are meeting resistance that doesn’t seem to make sense to you it might be worth having a look at your intentions.

Problem 3.

When Intentions Put You Into an Insecure Position

These two intentions by their very nature put you in a somewhat insecure position.  While they can sound like a good idea, you can’t know that you will win or that you will be able to control. So whether you know it or not your’ intention to win or control by default puts you in an insecure place.  If you become aware of the fickle nature of intending to win or control your anxiety levels go up.

Oh you may be overly confident perhaps even delusional because you fail to see the trap but you will the first time you don’t win or control and the insecure nature of these two intentions smack you right in the face.  I often find myself working with executives and professionals who say to me “I don’t know what happened, it all looked good and then out of the blue it all turned on me.”

A Final Note on Winning and Controlling

I’m not against winning.  I love to win.   It’s fun and what’s more it can be exciting when it happens.  However I don’t and I don’t recommend you depend on it for your level of security, identity,  or you define your capabilities, your worth, your success based on your ability to fulfill the intention to win.  Even the greatest performers don’t always win.  Just ask Mohammad Ali or George Foreman, Selina Williams, or Tiger Woods, Stephanie Rice, Roger Federer, Rafael Nadal, Ricky Ponting, Donald Bradman….. etc

The intention to win is best reserved for competitive environments in which winning is the centerpiece, for example cage fighting, war zones.  It’s problematic nature however become very apparent in situations in which cooperation is necessary or in situations in which you have little control over whether you win or lose.

If you stick to this intention you might find yourself becoming marginalised or isolated. Of course you are more than welcome to try this out but be ready to become very lonely and become the target of animosity.

To Control Or Not To Control?

If you can’t always win and if you don’t want to trigger defensiveness in others than the intention to control is even worse.  We live in a world that gives us the illusion of control and so we have become somewhat overly dependent on it.  People who place too much emphasis on control will likely become anxious as they meet the limitations of their control.  What’s more for everything you have to control you increase the number of problems that may occur and you increase the amount of effort required.  Ultimately control strategies will become impossible to fulfill.

On the other hand people who are highly adaptable are able to free up their reliance on control and are more likely to achieve better outcomes if not great things.  By and large however your confidence needs to be place on your intention to adapt rather than control. You have far more influence on your adaptability than your ability to control.

When Intentions Support Elite Performance.

If the intention to win or control are innately problematic then how do you become the best you can be.  What intentions support great achievements?  The short answer is “Intend to learn how be the best you can be”  If you’re persistent you will probably become an elite performer just following this single intention.

The best of the best in human performance have lost in order to get to be the best of the best.  Sure they pick themselves up when they don’t win, take a lesson and start again. But over the course of any career the greatest performers on the planet have lost their fair share of events.  They are just more adaptable more willing to learn than the rest.

The key point to understand is they become the best performers in the world they set intentions that support great performance, intentions they control or influence over.  For example they intend to become an elite performer by learning and mastering all they possibly can in their chosen field.

To become an elite performer has everything to do with you learning to be all you can be or you learning to master your craft and far less to do with other people.  You will need to commit to learning, to becoming consistent.  You will have to set goals,  pursue an increasing level of mastery and skill in at ever increasing levels of difficulty.

You will have to push yourself past normal boundaries, take risks and learn from both your successes and failures.  Being a winner is as simple as winning your last competition. But to be an elite performer, particularly on a world stage is to be more consistent at an elite level than the majority.  The master is truly nothing more than a more dedicated student.

To become adaptable in simply much easier than to control.  what’s more it’s more useful and more creative and you are likely to become more innovative as you loosen up the rules.

In the next blog we are going to look at a few more of the most common problem intentions.  After that we will be looking at how to form the best of intentions.